In an All-Star competition that featured everything that matters to SLPL owners -- points awarded at the Derby, hitters hitting home runs, hitters striking out, pitchers throwing strikeouts and a pitcher giving up a home run -- Scott "Scoot" Allen's ScootTucky Plow fended off all comers to win the SLPL's All-Star Championship. Scoot edged out Joe Kelly's Detroit Tiger Blood by 25 points. Paul Martin's Cabbage Farmers and Nate Meyer's The Hand Bananas tied for third, just 50 points out of first place.

“That was awesome! But I wanna kill Joey Votto,” Scoot said after the game. "He almost choked away my All-Star victory! Gator dont play that!" Allen dropped Votto from his SLPL roster first thing this morning so Votto couldn't do any more damage.

Before last night’s Summer Classic, Commissioner Rube Furrow announced that the league had bumped the payout for the All-Star Championship from $125 to $150. "This has been a great season of trading, and our Pot reflects that," Furrow said in a pre-game press conference. At the half-way point in the season, our owners have made 55 more trades than last year and we're just $315 away from matching last season's total Pot. So winners are going to win more this season."

Speaking of trading, owners should be aware that the $10 trade will soon be a thing of the past, as trades will increase to $15 tomorrow when the Regular Season resumes. Ten-buck trades end with the first pitch of the first game played tomorrow. And with that in mind, did you know that Alex Rodriguez will be out for 4-to-6 weeks with a knee surgery? We’re just saying ... if you wanna drop A-Rod, you might want to do it before the $10 goes the way of the dodo.

Congrats to Scoot Allen, the 2011 All-Star Champ and this year's first owner to collect scratch off the table!

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Power Hitting Pitchers| Past Leaders
All-Star Stuff: All-Star Standings | All-Star Stats
Pay Already!

The man responsible for spawning the founder and the brainiacs behind the Santa Lechuga Power League, Richard “Pop” Livernois, has hit a bit of a rough patch health-wise. According to his caretaker in Leon, Mexico, former league owner Lucy Juarez (via BableFish):

”...Pop is very ill. the doctor has been thinking that he is progressive and perhaps will not recover favorably...”

Pop has been an owner in the SLPL since its inception and was crowned as Regular Season Champ last year. Please keep Pop and all the Livernoises in your thoughts and, if it’s your inclination, your prayers.

In the meantime, despite rumors to the contrary, SLPL officials are not pondering on any Karma that may be resulting from our patented death watch pools. We don’t believe in Karma. So there. We instead recognize that this here thing we call life is made up of all sorts of maddening, fun, saddening, and happy unpredictable events and occurrences that will, unfortunately, eventually and ultimately lead to not-life. This is just one big cosmic roulette table with brutal rules and, hey, when you’re number’s up ... well, you know. But as long as you’re sitting at the table, we figure, you might as well enjoy the sights and sounds, get a lot of free drinks out of the waitresses, and laugh it up with your fellow players all you can, whenever you can, and in whatever way you can, even if the humor is a little dark at times.

Note to Our Relatives: Let me know if you would like Pop’s latest phone number. Daughter Suzie reports that he’s pretty lucid this morning.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
Pay Already!

It doesn't seem possible that a month of the season has already passed us, but here it is, the impending doom of the $5 trade. If you're still hanging on to Josh Hamilton, even though he's still gonna be out several weeks, now would be the last chance to offload that knucklehead and replace him for only $5 with a functioning member of an active roster. If you try to trade him or anyone else after the first pitch of the first game played today -- which will be at 12:35 pm Eastern -- the trade will cost you $10. Be sure to use the handy-dandy Trade Submittin' Form to let us know who you want to dump and who you want to add.

Why make a trade? Well, because you have Josh Hamilton. Or, because you regret having chosen the wrong player, as Pathetics owner Ray Jasutis did when he chose Francisco Liriano at the beginning of the season. ( "I made sure Liriano was on my team this time.” ) Or, because your team isn't living up to your team name as per Jeff Burns' Valley Bombers. ( "The bombers aren't bombing, need to add to the arsenal!" ) Or, because you just need to shake things up every now and again.

BTW, the honchos in the league offices are thrilled by the trade activity thus far. Eighty-two trades have already been made. That's 32 more than were made by this time last season. For you Pot watchers, there's already $1575 in the coffers, ready to be distributed to the league champs at the end of these season.

Good luck the rest of the season!

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
Pay Already!

I’m late with my traditional “Welcome to the SLPL Season” message, and for that I apologize. Being both the mayor of Santa Lechuga and the commissioner of SLPL can be a challenge, especially at a time when the City of Santa Lechuga is under such financial stress.

As you’ve probably read by now, we had to fire City Manager/Police Chief/Public Works Administrator Espy Espinosa after The Los Angeles Times revealed he was earning an annual salary of $850,000 and the feds showed up at City Hall one morning and hauled him off to jail. Wow! Who knew?

Fortunately, I managed to elude an indictment after the criminal grand jury determined that “Rube Furrow has proven to be so stunningly uninformed about the operations of city government that we are unable to prove that he had any idea that (Espinosa) was robbing Santa Lechuga’s residents blind."

As you can imagine, Espy’s departure left a big void around City Hall. Because he drained city coffers, Santa Lechuga now has an all-volunteer staff. In the last week alone, I was called out to repair the sinkhole in front of Rosie’s Tavern & Hardware Store. I also had to deliver layoff notices to the 16 malcontent teachers at Santa Lechuga Elementary School. And, with Espy gone, I was summoned to investigate the high-profile murder of Horace Spitz, who appeared to have been bludgeoned with a hoe handle (or stabbed to death with sheep shears).

With the murder investigation stymied, I have a few minutes to welcome team ownership groups to another stellar year of SLPL. The season has a lot of promise, especially with our mix of eager new ownership groups and grizzled Santa Lechuga veterans. We are excited by the terrific team names (Brandon Olivarria's Kirby Puckett’s Good Eye, Kathy Livernois' Sons of Pitches, Dan Klinkhamer's This League Blows, Tucker Vasquez's 1 Bad Mother Tucker and Sue Klinkhamer's This is Gonna Get Uggla are particularly good, though David Adrian’s Team Name That Can’t Be Spoken in Polite Company is especially inspired.)

Also, less than a month into the season, Rube is gratified with two mind-boggling developments: 1). Owners have already made trades worth $330! and 2). Rube Furrow is leading the entire damn league, the first time that’s happened in Santa Lechuga hist… Oops. Gotta go. We just got a call at City Hall from someone reporting that the municipal sewage treatment plant broke down. Apparently those things don't run themselves. Who knew?

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
Pay Already!

And just like that, we have converted from “hey, get your rosters in” to “hey, this here season has started”! And what a start it is. We have 48 teams again this year, which makes things mega-easy for us here in the front offices of the SLPL because we can just use last year’s spreadsheet to calculate our standings and stats. Which, by the way, are already posted. See what I mean? That easy.

Mega-props to longtime owner Paul Martin, owner of Cabbage Farmers, who recruited three new owners into the league and thereby earned $5 off his ownership fees and free $5 and $10 trades. Props also to Rube Furrow, Bill Cunning, Sue Klinkhamer, Brandon Oliverria, reigning Overall Champ Jim Klinkhamer and Kathy Livernois for also recruiting new owners. We loves us some fresh blood in the league.

Speaking of fresh blood, a huge shout out to our following new owners, who have taken the bold, brave, blind leap into this bizarro world we call “power league” fantasy baseball:

• Frank Sumrall, Speaking Frankly (8)
• Josh Livernois (ak.a., Joshua Livingroom), Hecka Rad Unicorns (17), John Escuaga's Frankenstein Mansion, Reno NV
• Jody Lay (a.k.a., Jody Raines), Lousy Lays (14), Comiskey Park in SouthSiderVille
• Brian Martin (a.k.a., Darth Beano), Size Matters Not (7), Angel Stadium of Anaheim
• Kyle Harmon (a.k.a., Cha Cha), SLO Town Trolley Dodgers (23), Mustang Stadium, San Luis Obispo, CA
• Kim and Tom Diehl, Batavia Hitman (25)
• Bart Martin (a.k.a., Hunky Davenport), Ham-n-Jam-n-Spamalot (28), Limey Park, Camelot (it's only a model)
• Jeff Burns, Valley Bombers (25)
• Chad Barnes (a.k.a., Bernie Williams), Ksuyankees (13), Yankee Stadium, Bronx, New York
  

You’ll soon learn we don’t take too much too seriously around here, though we loves us some serious payouts at the end of the season. We’re hoping at least of few of year learn to loves that part, too.

Finally, an even huger shout out to all our returning owners. You all know what a dopey little league this is, you all know what sort of numbskulls run the league, and you know that our reference to “bizarro” above doesn’t begin to explain the half of it, and yet you returned. And we love you for it.

I hope everyone enjoys the season.

P.S. I posted the following to Facebook last night:

Consider this fair warning to everyone. I will not type the name of the team here ... I feel dirty just thinking about it. To find out what it is, scan the standings, Magic Numbers, or the rosters. When you see it, you won’t be able to un-see it. Then you’ll blanch. Here’s a hint: It has nothing to do with bananas or Kirby Puckett. Here’s another hint: Hand Bananas owner Nate Meyers’ response to my Facebook message is on the right track (though, admittedly, it’s not *that* bad).

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
Pay Already!

Two games today at 1:05 pm EST kick off baseball's Opening Day, and we here at the Santa Lechuga Power League couldn't be happier. We're three teams away from matching last year's 48 teams and we are looking at the possibility that we will match or even overtake our 2005 and 2006 high of 50 teams. As our past champs will tell you, more teams means more cash to award our winners. If you haven't gotten your roster to us yet, do so by 1:04 EST. You can e-mail me your roster or use our handy-dandy form.

Note to our seven (thus far) new owners: We don't typically flood your e-mail In Box with messages all season. There will be a flurry of e-mails as the season gets underway, then we'll only e-mail you at key times, like trade deadlines, the All Star break, the end-of-season/playoffs, and when Commissioner Rube Furrow comes out of his stupor and wants to make (what he considers to be) an important league announcement.

Opening Day, people! Opening Day!

Pay Already!