Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has been a longtime friend and contributor to the SLPL blog, but he’s also been one of those dudes with whom we like to share new music. After posting OK Go!’s “WTF?” Sunday, Kevin reported that it was in instant purchase at his favorite locale for musical downloads ... then he shared this sweet little tune with us:

Though slower, parts of “Pumped Up Kicks” remind us of another fave Kevin turned us on to a few years ago, which is just pure ear candy:

Happy Tuesday-That-Feels-Like-Monday!

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Not a video ... just a song ... one that came to mind this morning for some reason as I thought about Memorial Day.

I hope you enjoy your Memorial Day.

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Sure, it’s a little too literal for our weekly Sunday Morning WTF?!, but OK Go’s “WTF?” is still pretty bitchen. OK Go, I don’t know why I like your videos so damned much ... there’s just this thing about cha’.

Seriously, OK Go, Whiskey? Tango? Foxtrot?!
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Like me, you have probably seen your share of Mentos + Diet Coke videos over the past few years. However, this one is definitely SLPL worthy!

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In order to boost morale, the front office at SLPL yesterday staged a team-building exercise pitting the executive team (in white) against the office peons (in blue). The losers were sent to Los Angeles to run the Dodgers.

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David Adrian, owner of The Team That Cannot Be Named, took over the top spot in the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings after Zack Greinke homered last night. Adrian, who is in his second season in the league -- though he inexplicably dropped out of the league last season before rejoining this year -- shocked fellow league owners this year when he named his team one of the most admirably-heinous team names one could imagine. Universal reaction to his team name, which will never be restated on the SLPL Blog, was “Oh, my, that’s heinous. But damned if it isn’t also funnier than hell.” Adrian’s Team is in 39th Overall, last in the Endive Division, 41st in Hitting, and 20th in Pitching. But unless we have missed other pitchers who have hit home runs, Adrian is sitting in first in the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings, which as of today is slated to scrape $100 out of The Pot.

To remind owners how the Power Hitting Pitchers thingy works: Power-Hitting Pitchers points are awarded to teams whose pitchers perform rare feats opposite their specialty. So, pitchers on your pitching roster are awarded points for hitting a home run.

Points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the Power-Hitting Pitcher Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

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Dan Klinkhamer, the longtime SLPL owner who proclaimed his spite for the league by submitting his roster this season with the name “This League Blows,” announced early this morning that he has officially changed his team’s name to “This League Is Wonderful! xoxo.” Though he didn’t cite the reason for the change, league officials suspect Dan made the move because he moved into 1st place Overall after last night’s action. We’ll see how long this lasts.

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Twenty-seven teams dropped Josh Hamilton after he went down with a fractured small humerus bone on April 12, thereby ensuring that he wouldn’t take up valuable roster space. Only five teams kept him. Those five teams, though, have to be happy that Hamilton finally returned Monday night and immediately hit a home run in his first at bat. Now the 27 teams who dropped him have to consider putting him back on their rosters. And we happen to have a handy form to help you do just that.

Speaking of which, teams with Vernon Wells or Josh Johnson might want to consider dropping these guys ... they’re both on the 15-day DL. Just sayin’.

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From what I have heard, In-N-Out burgers are beyond great and I am sure our California SLPL peeps can attest. However, this video is a bit creepy when you really think about it. Thirty seconds in, a patron exclaims “Thank you, Lord Jesus" for giving him the chance to finally devour an In-And-Out burger so close to his home ... and he isn't kidding. Finally, a woman who has the most intense emotions I have ever seen actually cries because she is a five minute drive away.

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They say the Rapture didn’t happen as predicted ... but no one seems to be able to locate Blaming Flips owner Vince Livernois, who as last seen on Rapture Saturday reading a magazine on his porch in Phoenix.

Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! Vince?! We Never Thought You Were That Holy!

If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of Vince Livernois, please contact the authorities. And tell him to put some clothes on.

Meanwhile, Detroit Tiger Blood owner Joe Kelley made a trade but asked: “Please only put this trade through if I make it through the Rapture. Thanks.” Joe, you out there? Did you survive the Rapture? Can we process this trade now? I mean, if you’re alive during the tribulations, you’re gonna want Bautista on your roster!

Speaking of tribulations, we always love having a reason to share the music of one of our favorite bands, the now-dufunct LCD Soundsystem. So, enjoy this to kick off your first full day of tribulations:

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It’s Rapture Saturday! ... and Harold Camping’s predictions will soon inevitably lead to a load of backpedaling. Here are some of our SLPL owners’s best comments related to the rapture:

”Rapture this weekend! If you are rapture-ready but haven't yet completed your will, you really should get it done today. Feel free to leave me everything; I promise to take care of it 'til the end of time.” ~Tony Livernois

”If you can't come up with a good rapture joke, don't worry. It’s not the end of the world.” ~Vince Livernois

”Idea for the upcoming raputre: 1. Gather rapture believing Christian friends. 2. Tie a 100 ft long rope to their foot. 3. Tie the other end to a stake in the ground. 4. Wait for the rapture. 5. Enjoy Christian Balloons.” ~Kevin Klinkhamer

”Kevin...I thought you were going to tie that rope to your own leg to surprise the heaven intake angel. But your ending ...WOW!” ~Suzie Rochellle

”And with the first overall pick of the 2011 Rapture Draft, Yahweh takes ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage. That's a solid pick, Hub.” ~Tony Livernois

”And you already know you are all going to hell. xoxo” ~Sue Klinkhamer

”I don't need Rev. Camping to tell me I'm in hell! (Yes, I am inEl Centro again!)” ~Suzie Rochellle

”Turns out, Rev. Camping simply had a rupture. Bad spleen.” ~Joe Livernois

Joe Kelley shares this photo and poses the question: “What to do on Rapture Day?”

Finally, I found this fun little video made by Some Grey Bloke that provides useful tips and hints for approaching the Rapture:

Enjoy the Rapture!

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In Comments under our entry “Killebrew's Cosmic Number Has Come Up,” This Is Gonna Get Uggla owner Sue Klinkhamer asks:

Uh, my original magic number request was 17 ... does that count for anything since that is the exact date of death?

Uh, no.

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Impressive.

POP UPDATE

Nothing to report today. Hope to hear more next week after he gets his test results.
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Hall-of-Famer Harmon Killebrew is dead. From Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer:

“Well, that was quick. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the hospice industry. All I needed was Harmon to just take it easy and eat all the Jell-O he wanted for a few weeks to get near my Magic Number, but “Killer” couldn't even last one week. When I heard the news, I just looked to the sky and gave a Shatner-esque ‘KILLEBREWWWWWWWWWWWW’ yell!”

I’m thinking maybe Kevin doesn’t have a clear understanding of what the hospice industry does (see also: care for the incurably ill), but it’s still a funny line and I understand his sentiment.

Anyway, to recap how death pool points are calculated:

“Points are earned by subtracting the reported age of the dirt-napper at the time of his death (rounded down to the most-recent birthday) from 100 and multiplying the result by 5.”

Here is Killebrew’s Death Pool arithmetic:

100 - 74 (age at death) = 26 * 5 = 130 points

Three teams have Killebrew on their HOF Death Pool rosters -- Kevin’s Dongwhipped, Dan Klinkhamer’s This League Blows, and Sue Klinkhamer’s This Is Gonna Get Uggla -- so all three teams get 130 Death Pool points. Dan, however, had him on the roster twice (thanks to Sue, who picked Dan’s Death Pool roster, and thanks to Kevin, who notified both Dan and Sue that Killebrew was sick before the season began), which means Blows gets another 130 points.

Then there’s the Magic Number:

“The team with the Magic Number closest to the Date-of-Death (DoD) will get an extra 25 points. If that team's Magic Number matches the DoD, the team will instead get 50 extra points.”

With the closest DoD Magic Number, Dan again earns extra points, 25 for each time he had Killebrew on his roster. So, Dan earned 310 total Hall-of-Fame Death Pool points, which naturally puts him at the top of the Death Pool standings.

A couple other reminders about the Death Pool: Once an HOFer has officially become worm food, teams can't replace him on the roster. And, points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the Hall-of-Fame Death Pool Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

Congrats to all the Klinkhamers who had Killebrew, and especially to Dan for taking a commanding Death Pool lead.

POP UPDATE

For the Livernois Clan, here’s the latest news from Richard “Pop” Livernois via an e-mail from his caretaker Lucy, translated using Goggle's language tools interpretation (with a little clean up from me):

hi. just to let you know that there has been improvement with you father. the medications the doctor prescribed are for bedsores due to time spent sitting in the wheelchair. he has a serious infection that the doctor has been treating with antibiotics in previous days. pop had not wanted to eat or drink water and the doctor suggested to hospitalize if there's no improvement. his condition was exacerbated by lack of going to the toilet and all the toxins in his body has weakened him. since yesterday he has made an effort to take water and vegetables after I talked to Joe and after Luz Elena heard what he said to Joe. for now he will take drugs for two days and after thee days of detoxification the relevant blood test will be done to know how he is doing and to identify other problems, including possibly cancer.

So, it sounds as though he is stabilized and getting good care. We’ll know more once he gets he gets his test results.

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Getting lost in all the hubbub regarding the health of Guao Wee! owner Richard “Pop” Livernois* was the fact that Jim Klinkhamer’s Tres Caballeros has quietly slipped into first place, the first time this season he’s held the top spot. Last season, Jim’s Caballeros overtook Pop’s Wee!, the Regular Season Champs, to win the Overall Championship.

Meanwhile, we here at the SLPL Blog find ourselves amazed that six teams are within 14 points of the Caballeros. Trailing close behind are Brian Thornburg’s Carrboro T-Birds, Paul Martin’s Cabbage Farmers, Donald Fukui’s EatUrHrtOutLA, Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho's, Joe Kelly’s Detroit Tiger Blood, and Dan Klinkhamer’s This League Blows. We love seeing things knotted up at the top of the standings!

*Pop Update

Joe “Jay Jay” Livernois (and, yes, if you only know Joe in a professional context you should be addressing him as “Jay Jay” or just “Jay” ... this Joe stuff is just too damn formal to our ears) called down to Leon, Mexico, yesterday and got a good update on Pop, our family and league patriarch. We’d post Jay’s update to us here but we are afraid you might be eating breakfast when you read it. I can share the following without feeling guilty for having made you toss your cookies :

I’m not sure that Pop is necessarily in imminent danger, but it’s not a good situation. The thing is that he is now too weak to do anything at all ... He was so sick the other day that Lucy apparently thought he was dying. The medicines are apparently helping now ... They will be taking Pop to the hospital, probably tomorrow, for blood tests, etc., so we might know more about his condition and prognosis then.”

Thanks to everyone who sent us messages yesterday with such kind words, good thoughts and offers to help. It surely means a lot.

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The man responsible for spawning the founder and the brainiacs behind the Santa Lechuga Power League, Richard “Pop” Livernois, has hit a bit of a rough patch health-wise. According to his caretaker in Leon, Mexico, former league owner Lucy Juarez (via BableFish):

”...Pop is very ill. the doctor has been thinking that he is progressive and perhaps will not recover favorably...”

Pop has been an owner in the SLPL since its inception and was crowned as Regular Season Champ last year. Please keep Pop and all the Livernoises in your thoughts and, if it’s your inclination, your prayers.

In the meantime, despite rumors to the contrary, SLPL officials are not pondering on any Karma that may be resulting from our patented death watch pools. We don’t believe in Karma. So there. We instead recognize that this here thing we call life is made up of all sorts of maddening, fun, saddening, and happy unpredictable events and occurrences that will, unfortunately, eventually and ultimately lead to not-life. This is just one big cosmic roulette table with brutal rules and, hey, when you’re number’s up ... well, you know. But as long as you’re sitting at the table, we figure, you might as well enjoy the sights and sounds, get a lot of free drinks out of the waitresses, and laugh it up with your fellow players all you can, whenever you can, and in whatever way you can, even if the humor is a little dark at times.

Note to Our Relatives: Let me know if you would like Pop’s latest phone number. Daughter Suzie reports that he’s pretty lucid this morning.

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Okay, maybe not the worst parents in the world, but damn, this video is cringe inducing. What, parents, you can’t afford real toys anymore? You gotta let your dog kill your girl’s playthings now? You can afford a video camera ... why not spend a few quarters at the fabric shop and create a nice little homemade doll or something? Sheesh.

And squirrels ... you know they’re just rats with cuter tails, right? That they’re disease-ridden rodents? That they would claw and chew at your thorax if they thought you were in their way of scoring a jar of Planter’s?

Hey, maybe next week you can get video of your sweet darling swimming around in a cesspool. Or maybe you can get video of her playing with used syringes behind the local methadone clinic. I feel like these parents might be trying to earn a special new category for the Darwin Awards whereby they remove their genes from the gene pool by first inadvertently killing their own children. The upside here is that they’ll have this nifty video to show at the award ceremony.

Whiskey? Tango? Foxtrot?, parents! I mean, seriously!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! I Mean, Seriously, Parents!
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The whole Hall-of-Fame Death Pool, it can be fun, but it’s not a daily fun. We just don’t give it a lot of thought most of the season since HOFers rarely die. Certainly not often enough. But then, BOOM, out of nowhere and unexpectedly, we here at the SLPL Blog start getting a wave of e-mails that an HOFer is either on his deathbed or has died. And it does our hearts good to know that SLPL owners think of us first when a Hall-of-Famer is, or is about to be, worm food. Really, it just makes us smile and smile and smile.

Anyway, the latest HOFer on the Getting Closer to Room Temperature list is former Twins great Harmon Killebrew, who appears to be cashing in his chips. The first we heard about Killebrew’s ultimate exclamation of “Uncle!” came to us at 10:46 am yesterday via ScootTucky Plow owner Scott Allen, who wrote:

Harmon Killebrew is on his death bed.... at hospice care. Can we get a death watch countdown and who may possibly win?

At 12:43 Kirby Puckett's Good Eye owner Brandon Olivarria checked in with the following:

Harmon Killebrew. Ohhhhh man I know your following this pretty close!

Then, at 1:20, Guzzlyn Suds owner Steve McNelley sent us this:

How does Kevin [Klinkhamer] have Harmon Killebrew...WTF!?

We responded to Steve with the following:

I know, right? Worse than that, no one but Klinkhamer's have him ... and Dan [Klinkhamer] has him TWICE!

To which Steve, at 1:50, sent us the following:

FROM THE DESK OF GUZZLYN SUDS

The Guzzlyn Suds would like to submit a formal request for further inquiry into the health and well-being of Harmon Killebrew and possible foul play from St. Charles' finest. It seems fishy to me that the only owners that have Harmon on their HOF Death Pool Roster are named Klinkhamer. It is obvious that Dan is the leader of this pack because he selected Harmon twice, however he has chosen to keep it in the family (must be a message to Jim and Julie) and allow Kevin and Sue to share in the wealth.

I am sure the Killebrew family has notified the local authorities of the suspicious activity--but as an unsuccessful veteran owner in the SLPL who wishes to uphold the integrity of this league, I demand an investigation before it's too late!

With little pride,

Guzzlyn Suds Ownership

At 2:49, the Klinkhamer matriarch Sue, owner of This Is Gonna Get Uggla, quashed all speculation of wrongdoing with the following:

Hello boys,

I think we were alerted to Killebrew cancer at the time the lineups were due. Kevin mentioned it to me and I put him down and I also made up Dan's HOF lineup. In fac,t I put him in place of Joe Morgan, finally realizing that Joe Morgan was not going to die just because I wanted him to. I didn't think Killebrew would go so fast (and he is not dead ... YET) but everyone knew he had cancer if they would choose to READ A PAPER.

xoxo

Sue

Thanks to all you fine owners who kept us abreast of Killebrew’s impending demise. (Special thanks to Pathetics owner Ray Jasutis for sending us the story link.) We look forward to putting some points on the HOF Death Pool board. And remember, we are your go-to people to notify when you hear that an HOFer is about to kick the bucket!

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Tip of the ballcap to Detroit Tiger Blood owner Joe Kelly, who sent us this little gem, saying: “Anything poking fun at LaRussa is worth sending your way.” Thanks, Joe!

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Several days ago, we said that Dan Klinkhamer’s This League Blows was a Team to Watch. He was in 10th Overall, 3rd in the Radicchio Division, 10th in Hitting, and 18th in Pitching. Today, Blows is in 4th Overall, 1st in the Radicchio Division, 5th in Hitting, and 19th in Pitching.

We don’t point this out as a sort of “I-told-you-so” --- heck, several of our Teams to Watch are now sucking wind -- but instead to predict that, regardless of this turn of events in the standings, Dan will still maintain that this league, apropos of his team name, does indeed blow. He’s an sumuvabidge like that.

But we still love the guy. He’s one of our longest-time owners, always pays his fees, always buys a round or six of drinks, and is hellishly loyal to friends (if not the league). He’s the guy people talk about when you hear the expression “A friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body.” So, good luck to Dan this season. But do us one favor: If you win the Overall Championship, change your team name next year, okay?

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I need the backstory on this one. But it does beg the question: Why can’t Joe Morgan be as playful as the guy in the red soccer jersey?

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It’s interesting to note that Overall league leader Joe Livernois, owner of Moammar Camacho’s, is only in 5th place in Hitting, 66 points behind Hitting leader Donald Fukui, owner of EatUrHrtOutLA. The difference for Joe is Pitching, which he leads, while Don is sitting in 35th place, 82 points back.

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Hmmm ... maybe I should have posted this for Mother’s Day.

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Today’s Sunday Morning WTF?! comes to us from ScootTucky Plow owner Scott “Scoot” Allen, who said that it is a tradition in his country to celebrate Mother’s Day by dancing around a scooter. I didn’t believe him until I dug up this video on the Interwebs. (BTW, Scoot’s the one wearing jorts.)

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Seriously, Scoot, WTF?!

Anyway, everyone here at the SLPL Blog wishes all you mothers out there a great Mother’s Day!

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Though a couple have fallen in the standings, most of our previous “Teams to Watch” are still hanging out in the Top 10 of the Overall Standings. Three teams not previously cited have made real headway. Last year’s champ, Jim Klinkhamer, owner of Tres Caballeros, has creeped into 4th place Overall, 2nd in the tough Endive Division, 3rd in Hitting, and 22nd in Pitching.

Paul Martin’s Cabbage Farmers are in 7th Overall, 3rd in the Endive Division, 4th in Hitting, and 31st in Pitching.

Jim’s older brother Dan Klinkhamer, who owns This League Blows, is in 10th Overall, 3rd in the Radicchio Division, 10th in Hitting, and 18th in Pitching.

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After a lightening-fast trip to New York City, we here at the SLPL Blog are thinking about how lucky we are to have friends who occasionally send us blog fodder. On days like these, it’s great not to have to think. It’s nice to just able to sit back and relax and let someone else do the work for us.

To that end, tip of the ballcap to league friend Missy, who sends us this little gem noting, simply, “oi vey!” Yeah, no kidding.

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We here at the SLPL blog are heading to the Big Apple for a coupla days. If we don’t have standings and stats updated on Thursday, things should be back to normal by Friday ... or the weekend at the latest.

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There’s no truth to the rumor, despite known ties to Osama bin Laden and al Queda, that several Bobbleheads-of-Lettuce were found in the compound by the Navy Seals. For the record, it was just one Bobblehead-of-Lettuce.

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Just because we love good snark:

And tip of the ballcap to league friend Missy, who posted this up to her Facebook page:

That is all.

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Commissioner Rube Furrow and the Boys get together for a little impromptu roadside dance. These guys are just one busted move a way from three cardiac arrests, two bent spleens, a dislocated shoulder, and a slew of hip and/or knee replacement surgeries.

Whiskey? Tango? Foxtrot? I mean, seriously!

Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Seriously!
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