Commissioner Rube Furrow’s personal mission came to an end yesterday in Rockford, IL, when he finally met his long-lost dad, Bart “Pappy” Furrow. It wasn’t the tearful reunion he had hoped for, unfortunately, because it turns out that Pappy is kind of a jerkweed. “I think I now know where I get it from,” Rube said. “After he abandoned me 76 years ago and I had to grow up in the Witloof Chicory Boys Home without any family, I thought Pappy would have some remorse ... or, at least be happy to see me. But, no. He looked me up and down, looked me in the eyes, and said, ‘Good. I’m glad I gave you up. Now get out of my life.’”

Rube with His Long-Lost Father, Bart “Pappy” Furrow
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The first full day of Commissioner Rube Furrow stay in Illinois was fairly eventful. After touring Chicago largely by foot, Rube attended a Giants-Cubs game at venerable Wrigley Field. (What the hell does venerable mean, anyway?) Rube sampled the beverages, got to see what peeing in a trough is like, and cheered on his venerated Giants. (What the hell does venerated mean, anyway?) Most importantly, Rube got to spend quality time with his lovely bride of seven months, his ninth wife, Carmen. It’s easy to see why Rube loves Carmen. Not only does she tolerate Rube, but she loves baseball, is passionate about her Giants, and actually packs her own beard to wear just in case the beloved Brian Wilson makes an appearance to close out the game. Which he did last night. I believe we’re all falling in love with Carmen.

Carmen, Rube ... and Carmen’s Beloved Brian Wilson
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Since beginning his vacation three days ago, SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow has had to move a corpse, pass a full-body cavity search by a massive-fingered TSA agent, withstand the advances of interested wasps and remove a dying toenail from an irate beaver. Now he’s trying to figure out what’s on the agenda for his first full day in Illinois.

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...but the tortoise and the African grey parrot. Doesn’t turn out so well for the tortoise this time.

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Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer for sending the following. Sure, Kevin only hates the Phanatic because he’s a Mets fan and hates all things Phillies related, but it’s a real hatred that is shared by many who are not even Mets fans. So, Major League Baseball players, WTF?! How come all of you aren’t trying to take this bastard out? And if you are all trying to take him out, WTF?! How come you haven’t been more successful?!

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Don’t look now, but some past Overall Champs are positioning themselves to take a run at this year’s championship. Ian Hicks, the 2004 champ and owner of I’m Winning, has moved into 6th place, just 67 points off the pace set by Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho’s. Jim Klinkhamer’s Tres Caballeros, last year’s champs, are 8th place and just 76 points out of first. And two-time champ David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing, Inc., is in 11th place, 119 points out of first. You get the feeling these veterans are lying in the weeds, ready to make a move.

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For the first time in the league’s 123-year history, Commissioner Rube Furrow is making an appearance in the Midwest. Despite the fact that owners from, or who originated in, the Midwest have won the Overall Championship five out of the past eight seasons, Rube has steadfastly refused to visit the area because he does not know how to find it on a map. In addition, he has repeatedly claimed that Midwesterners are too down-to-earth, too salt-of-the-earth, and just too damn normal to spend time actually interacting with them. He prefers the fruitiness and nuttiness of good ol’ California. But after telling him more about Illinois’ former governors, most of whom are either in prison or making reservations for prison, Rube decided to come grace us with his presence to personally check out Midwestern-style nuttiness. He’s arriving this Monday, June 27, will take off for a Midwestern baseball tour the following Friday, July 1, and will return for one day on July 6 before returning to the West Coast on the 7th.

We want to roll out the red carpet for him and his lovely bride, Esmerelda (or was that Claudia? ... I always get his sixth and seventh wives mixed up). We’re thinking about having a nice reception for him on the night of the 27th at Old Towne Pub, in Geneva, IL. Or, we’ll take him to a Kane County Cougars game on the Thursday, June 30. Or we’ll do Old Town on the evening of July 6th. We’ll let owners know what our final plans are so you can come say hi and officially meet the league’s big guy. Stay tuned.

The Many Faces of Rube Furrow
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Pretty cool article by my man Ted Berg of Sports Net New York.

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Albert Pujols is still injured, still on the 15-Day DL, and still expected to be out for 4-to-6 weeks. And he continues to contribute to our the Pot. Five more owners dropped him from their rosters ... while our league leaders, Joe Livernois, owner of Moammar Camacho’s, and Dan Klinkhamer, owner of This League Sucks Eggs, have steadfastly refused to drop him thus far. Seems like they are opening themselves up for heartache. That’s all I’m saying.

Speaking of Dan Klinkhamer, Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg had this to say when he dropped Pujols:

“I categorically refuse to change my team name based on a shifting perspective of the merits of the league, based on the performance of my beloved 'Birds in competition with the rest of the league. Do the Yankees ever change their pinstripes? No, they do not. Get a grip, Dan.

Uh ... was that a little harsh? Maybe I went too far. Sorry, yust kiddin' Dan.”

For the record, Dan might not actually be the one initiating his constant name changes. It may be, instead, that league officials are changing his team name in anticipation of what we believe he is saying to others about the league at any particular moment. Then again, he may be changing the name himself.

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Albert Pujols is doing his best to try to help SLPL Owners financially this season by getting himself injured and by going on the disabled list for four-to-six weeks. Of the 46 teams that had Pujols on their rosters, eight dropped him like quick, adding $80 to the Pot. On behalf of the future 2011 champs, thank you Albert!

Incidentally, if you too want to be like the cool kids who are dropping Albert Pujols, use our hand-dandy trading form to submit your trade.

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Dan Klinkhamer is back out of in first place, overtaken again by Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho’s, and he has yet again changed his team’s name, this time to This League Sucks Eggs. I saw that one coming.

In unrelated news, former league owner Josh “Scrapes” Walker is all sufficiently hitched up. He married the lovely Alisha Funkhouser in a beautiful ceremony Saturday afternoon in Mahomet, IL. Josh did me the honor of asking me to be his Best Man. I’m proud to say that I rose to the occasion by not getting all dirty drunk and by not horking all over the dance floor. Even a blind squirrel and all that.

Josh Walker, The Current Years: With His Best Man Before the Wedding


Josh Walker, The Current Years: Bubbles!


Josh Walker, The Current Years: The Head Table


Josh Walker, The Current Years: “Pass the Bruschetta”
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Dan Klinkhamer is back in first place ... and he now apparently thinks this league rocks. Yeah, yeah ... new team name. He’s driving the people responsible for generating souvenirs for his team absolutely nuts. I’m just saying...

In unrelated news, as mentioned last week former league owner Josh “Scrapes” Walker is getting married Saturday, which means the SLPL Blog is going dark until Monday. You can still send trades, which we’ll process retroactively when we get back. But don’t expect that the stats and standings will be updated until then.

Josh Walker, The Early Years, Part 2
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I miss Norman! But I promise I’ll put his money to good use.

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Safe!

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Stats and standings are up.

Carrboro T-Birds owner Brian Thornburg became the first owner to make ten trades this season, making him the first owner to earn all three free trades available to owners that make ten paid trades. Brian’s T-Birds, who are in 9th place Overall and in 2nd place in the Swiss Chard Division, can translate those three free trades into up to $75 worth of free trades if he makes those trades in the last month of the season.

Fourteen teams have thus far earned one free trade by making five paid trades. The Pot is currently up to $2,060. If you’re looking to make a trade, be sure to use this form.

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Out stats aren’t yet available based on last night’s action, but we have notified them and received this message:

Thanks for your note. We are aware of the stats issue from last night and are working on the solution this morning. We anticipate updating the system with the correct statistics in the next hour or two at the latest, so look for your standings to be corrected shortly.Thank you for your patience, and have a great rest of the season.

We’ll update things just as soon everything’s up and running.

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You know how we post videos of really drunk people trying to walk from here to there, barely able to stay upright, falling down stairs, that sort of thing? And then we speculate that perhaps it was Rube Furrow or Pedregoso Rios who was trying to stay upright? It’s all in good fun.

Yeah. Well.

I’m just saying that if anyone accidentally comes across any such videos originating from Champaign, IL., this past Saturday night, there’s better than a 90 percent chance that the drunk person was indeed me. That would have been towards the end of former owner Josh “Scrapes” Walker’s bachelor party, which was a 12-hour affair set in five or six different locations. (Don’t ask me to be specific.) My fellow participants tell me it was fun.

Groom-to-Be Josh and Best Man Tony

In unrelated news, this happened, which does my heart good:

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Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho’s overtook Dan Klinkhamer’s I Frickin’ Love This League in the Overall Standings after Friday’s action, prompting Dan to once again change his team name, this time to This League Blows Again.

In unrelated news, former league owner Josh “Scrapes” Walker is getting married next Saturday, prompting us to shut down the SLPL Blog for the next day or two so we can give him an appropriate bachelor party, which takes place today. We expect to have the SLPL Blog and all the standings and stats up and running again by Monday, but this will be dependent on the breadth and depth of the resultant hangovers.

Happy Chappy Josh Walker, The Early Years
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ScootTucky owner Scott Allen offered this up as the reason for recently dropping Adam Dunn from his roster:

Adam Dunn has a hole in his bat.

That explains that.

Incidentally, this season’s SLPL owners continue to show a willingness to be competitive by trading. With more than a month still left before the All-Star Break, when trades go up to $15, league owners have already made 40 $10 trades. This despite the fact that there haven’t been any trips to the disabled list by any superstar players since Josh Hamilton went down early in the year. Our Pot already stands at $2,010, every penny of which will be paid out at the end of the season. Keep it up, boys and girls!

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I can't tell exactly ... is this Pedregoso or Rube making his way home after a league meeting recently???

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There are tow trucks, and then there are ...

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It looks like Dan Klinkhamer may again have to change his team name soon.

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Trying to figure out what we wanted to post here today, we came across this: SportsPop: A Realistic View Of A Fictional Fantasy Baseball Team. It seemed like a no brainer that we would post this. It’s about baseball. It’s about fantasy baseball. It’s about how fantasy baseball collides with out cultural landscape. And it allows us to restate our longstanding complaint that any fantasy baseball roster made up of fictional characters that does not feature Crash Davis is a complete waste of time.

But then we came across this: “Elgin Woman Charged with Sixth DUI Comes to Court Drunk, Authorities Say.” This one wasn’t as obvious for posting since, for those of us who operate the SLPL Blog, drunk is our new sober. Sober is what’s discombobulating. Sober is our new drunk. We can’t handle sober. To have arrived at the courthouse for our sixth DUI sober would have been news. So we weren’t going to post this story ... until we came across this line: “She received two DUI convictions in 1999 for separate offenses that occurred on the same day.” Regardless of our perpetually high blood alcohol levels -- just to give you a sense of proportion, we call them “alcohol blood levels” -- not one of us here at the SLPL Blog has the nads nor the dimwittedness required to get behind the wheel within 24 hours after receiving a DUI arrest. I mean, really, this lady’s a drunken marvel.

So, what to post on the blog? Dis aceball dorey or dat dunkem one? Oh, darnit ... we muth bee thober aggin.

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One question: Who gave the Hawaiian CGI operator LSD?

One comment: NSFACCMLW, which stands for “Not Safe for Any Conceivable Context Much Less Work.”

One word of caution: Stay away from everything that happens after the three-minute mark. You don’t want to see it. Seriously. I’m not joking. Don’t watch after the three-minute mark.

One additional comment: I won’t sleep tonight. I watched after the three minute mark.

big beautiful virtual Wendy from wendy Vain on Vimeo.

Hey, LSD-Loving CGI Operator, Whiskey?! Tango?! Foxtrot?! Seriously?!
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Creepy.

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Dan Klinkhamer, who changed his team name ten days ago from “This League Blows” to “This League Is Wonderful! xoxo” after taking over the top spot in the Overall Standings, has once again changed his team name to celebrate his first ten days in first place. His new team name is “I Frickin' Love This League!” Note to the rest of the league: Dan’s getting cocky.

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This is what a Dodgers fan does to his Dodgers-fan daughter? It’s a good things she’s not a Giants fan, I suppose.

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Tip of the ballcap to Tom Van Baren, second year owner of Should'a Been Umps, who forwarded this e-mail to us a while back. Thanks, Tom!

Disaster: This Amazing Photo Shows The Details

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the sh*t out of them!

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