Jul 2011

Sunday Morning WTF?! Disgusting Lowlife

07/31/11 06:36 AM Filed in: Sunday Morning Wiskey Tango Foxtrot| Video| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Heavy metallers don’t belong in the park. WTF?

Puke My Guts Up, Part 2

07/30/11 07:05 AM Filed in: Video| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

For crap’s sake. We’re raising a nation of crybabies!

I'm Seeing This Everywhere ... And I Wanna Puke

07/29/11 09:54 AM Filed in: Video| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

This makes me want to puke my guts up. Yo, Ian, this is the Grand Ol’ U, S of A! This is a capitalistic society! You get yours while others can suck it up and figure out how to get their own. Seriously, go move to a socialist country or something and get the hell out of my country. You’re giving all the stupid people -- like that crybaby kid who wasn’t smart enough to put his hat out like you did -- the idea that you will be rewarded if you fail. And those announcers make me want to grow new guts so I can vomit those up, too. These people make me sick.

Dogfight, Part 4

07/28/11 08:56 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

With the humans eliminated without a single win, the dogs move to the second round to face the cats. The cats appear to have the upper paw.

Kevin's Korner: One Phillie I Like

07/27/11 08:25 AM Filed in: Kevin's Korner| Joe Morgan Die!| by Kevin Klinkhamer

As many of you know, I hate the Phillies. Absolutely HATE them! However, this inside-the-park home run by Chase Utley is so sweet. Utley is one of the few Phillies I actually respect and this video shows why. During the instant replay, check out Utley's face light up like a Little Leaguer when the third base coach waves him home and he realizes he might actually pull it off. Then Utley finishes it with a perfect slide to just slip past the tag and is called safe. And yes, SLPL Giants fans, he was definitely safe.

Speaking of Dogfights, Part 3

07/26/11 08:57 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Though we admittedly didn’t put our best fighter out there for this cage match, it’s getting depressing watching all these humans go down.

Speaking Of Dogfights, Again...

07/25/11 08:33 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Though this appears to be more of a prank than a fight, the humans lose yet another round.

Sunday Morning WTF?! Strange As Monkeys

07/24/11 09:59 AM Filed in: Sunday Morning Wiskey Tango Foxtrot| Video| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

We’re like monkeys, or something like that. Except monkeys don’t make horrifying exercise videos. And they wouldn’t, even if they could find a way to operate the video equipment and perform in front of green screens. If monkeys could figure that out, I bet they would make interesting National Geographic-like documentaries about human kids in horrifying exercise videos. But maybe I’m a self-hating human who has grand hopes that other species will eventually evolve into something less horrifying than us … as evidenced by this video.

Speaking Of Dogfights...

07/23/11 09:35 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

The humans lose this round.

Dogfight!

07/22/11 11:01 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho's aren’t going quietly into the night. Just one day after losing their month-long stranglehold on the Overall Standings, the Camacho’s took back 1st place from Brian Thornburg’s Carrboro T-Birds. Meanwhile, four other teams are within 50 points of the lead. We have good old fashioned dogfight on our hands, ladies and germs.

T-Birds Bump Camacho's, Take Over First

07/21/11 05:09 PM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Brian Thornburg’s Carrboro T-Birds ended Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho's month-long stranglehold on the Overall Standings after last night’s action, taking over 1st place by seven points. Brian leads the Swiss Chard Division by over 100 points, is in 3rd place in the Hitting Standings, and is in 7th place in the Pitching Standings. Brian has made all ten of his paid trades so far this season, and he has also used one of his free trades. He has two more trades he can use, which will come in handy if one of his clutch players goes on the DL.

Nice Try, Phanatic

07/20/11 08:14 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

I see what he was trying to do there.

Ian Hicks' Old-School Mad Crazy Skillz Put Him In Third

07/19/11 09:52 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Don’t look now, but I’m Winning owner Ian Hicks is making a run at Joe Livernois’ Moammar Camacho's. After a slow and steady climb up the standings, Ian made a jump from 6th to 3rd after last night’s games and is now just 53 points out of first place. Ian was crowned the youngest-ever Overall Champ in 2004, but he hasn’t made too many waves in the SLPL since. This year, however, he appears to be employing his old-school mad-crazy SLPL skillz again by drafting a nifty initial roster and then making shrewd and timely trades. I’m Winning currently leads the Pitching standings and the Radicchio Division and is 5th in Hitting.

We're Back

07/18/11 08:42 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

The SLPL Blog is back in commission. We’re a little beat from the weekend’s events, but it’s a good kind of beat. Standings and stats are updated, too.

Lazy Weekend At The SLPL Blog

07/16/11 07:37 AM Filed in: Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

It’s a lazy weekend here at the SLPL Blog. I’m posting light again today and won’t post at all tomorrow. Though standings and stats are updated today, there will be no standings or stats updated again until Monday. We’re headed to Chicago today to explore more of that great city and tomorrow we’re going to the Pitchfork Music Festival. I hope you enjoy your weekend, too!

The Cat Has Better Ninja Skills

07/15/11 09:29 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Check out this cat’s mad-awesome Ninja skills:

$15 Trades Begin

07/14/11 07:05 PM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Fifteen Buck Trades

With the official beginning of the second half of the season, the $15 trade has begun. If you wanted to make a $10 trade, you’re too late. That is all.

$10 Trades End With Today's First Pitch

07/14/11 07:21 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Ten Buck Trades

Getchyer $10 trades in before 7:05 pm tonight (Eastern time) ‘cause they’re going up to $15 after that. Remember, Alex Rodriguez is down for a long while, Oh, and Jon Lester appears to be on the DL.

Good luck in the second half of the season!

ScootTucky Plow Crowned 2011 All-Star Champ!

07/13/11 09:03 AM Filed in: League Info| Also Sent by E-Mail| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

In an All-Star competition that featured everything that matters to SLPL owners -- points awarded at the Derby, hitters hitting home runs, hitters striking out, pitchers throwing strikeouts and a pitcher giving up a home run -- Scott "Scoot" Allen's ScootTucky Plow fended off all comers to win the SLPL's All-Star Championship. Scoot edged out Joe Kelly's Detroit Tiger Blood by 25 points. Paul Martin's Cabbage Farmers and Nate Meyer's The Hand Bananas tied for third, just 50 points out of first place.

“That was awesome! But I wanna kill Joey Votto,” Scoot said after the game. "He almost choked away my All-Star victory! Gator dont play that!" Allen dropped Votto from his SLPL roster first thing this morning so Votto couldn't do any more damage.

Before last night’s Summer Classic, Commissioner Rube Furrow announced that the league had bumped the payout for the All-Star Championship from $125 to $150. "This has been a great season of trading, and our Pot reflects that," Furrow said in a pre-game press conference. At the half-way point in the season, our owners have made 55 more trades than last year and we're just $315 away from matching last season's total Pot. So winners are going to win more this season."

Speaking of trading, owners should be aware that the $10 trade will soon be a thing of the past, as trades will increase to $15 tomorrow when the Regular Season resumes. Ten-buck trades end with the first pitch of the first game played tomorrow. And with that in mind, did you know that Alex Rodriguez will be out for 4-to-6 weeks with a knee surgery? We’re just saying ... if you wanna drop A-Rod, you might want to do it before the $10 goes the way of the dodo.

Congrats to Scoot Allen, the 2011 All-Star Champ and this year's first owner to collect scratch off the table!

Home Run Derby Nize For 14 Teams

07/11/11 10:51 PM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

That’s more like it! Unlike last season, where not a single point was awarded to a single team, this season’s home run derby doled out 250 points to 14 different SLPL teams. Nize. Robinson Cano was the Derby winner, though really we all won since Joe Morgan didn’t have anything to do with the broadcast. While the broadcast was still painful, sure, it was exponentially less so without Morgan involved. That’s all we’re saying.

photo-show
Anyway, tonight we crown an All-Star Champ, the first championship to be awarded for the ’11 season, and cut a check for $125. Here’s how points are awarded during the All-Star Game:

Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit
Hitters lose 25 points for every K
Pitchers earn 25 points for every K
Pitchers 75 points for every homer surrendered

Check out All-Star Standings and All-Star Stats. Good luck!

In Other League News...
League honchos were so distracted by the upcoming All-Star break that we failed to notice that Cliff Lee hit a home run on Saturday. It didn’t get past Kirby Puckett's Good Eye owner Brandon Olivarria, though, since Brandon has Lee on his roster ... and Lee hit the homer on the 9th, Brandon’s Magic Number. That shook up the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings, putting Olivarria just ten points behind David Adrian’s Team That Shall Not Be Named.

All-Star Break Begins; 125 Clams Up For Grabs

07/11/11 07:11 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Rube Furrow

As always, SLPL league head honchos are excited by this time of the season. It will take just two days and two events -- today’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game -- to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this “waiting around for 162 games” stuff. None of that “playoffs” thingy. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

Here’s how points are awarded toward the All-Star Standings:

If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby, your team picks up 250 points
During the All-Star game, hitters on your roster earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K during the All-Star game
During the All-Star game, pitchers on your roster earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered during the game

If your team has the most combined points, you will be crowned the 2011 All-Star Champ and collect $125.

Remember, points earned toward the All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

First up: Tonight, the Home Run Derby!

2011 HR Derby

Tomorrow night, the All-Star Game. Check the game rosters and your SLPL roster. While it’s too late to make trades for the Home Run Derby, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for tomorrow’s All-Star game.

Sunday Morning WTF?! Cheating At Limbo 101

07/10/11 08:56 AM Filed in: Sunday Morning Wiskey Tango Foxtrot| GIF Fun| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Note to limbo contest organizers: If you have a little person participating in your limbo contest, you really should lower the damn bar already.

Kevin's Korner: This Used To Be A Family Show!

07/09/11 08:16 AM Filed in: Kevin's Korner| Video| Joe Morgan Die!| by Kevin Klinkhamer

So a guy grabs his girlfriend's breast at the Red Sox game which the cameras catch coming back from a commercial. Not a big deal, but the best part are the announcers, who have a hard time getting through the first batter of the inning without losing it.

Rube Visits the Midwest Division

07/08/11 08:55 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Rube Furrow

The Santa Lechuga city manager informed us earlier this month that the City Council needed to spend the surplus before the end of the fiscal year, so Mayor Rube Furrow took his wife Esmeralda on a junket to the Midwest, allegedly to "scout" for a site to locate the SLPL Hall-of-Fame. His first choice was a dirt lot in Downer's Grove, but learned from a Sun-Times investigation that the property is actually the burial site of all those Chicago "citizens" who voted for Mayor Daley. As a result, Rube has narrowed the Hall-of-Fame site to Dan Klinkhamer's basement.

Rube wishes to thank the site-selection committee, comprised of Midwest team ownership groups, for sharing pizzas with the size and consistency of first base — and many many (many) beers. Special thanks to Tony Livernois, Kathy Livernois, Megan Pierce, Dan and Sue Klinkhamer, the Pankoke clan and Joe Kelly for hanging with the Rube, and especially to Kathy, Jim and Katie Jane for a rousing Cornhole match!

Rube Loves The Midwest

07/07/11 08:00 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow finally got to meet some of the Midwest contingent of SLPL owners last night and he was impressed with what he saw. “That Pankoke kid (Aaron), he’s the real deal. It’s been seven years since he last won the Overall Championship but I expect he’ll win another one. Dude knows his stuff” Rube said. “And Julie (Pankoke), we need more people like her in this league. She’s passionate and enthusiastic about the league, and she keeps (league vice president Pedregoso) Rios in line. She brings up a good point that the league needs to revive the Ruiz Cup and give the past champs that haven’t received ‘em the cups they earned.”

Furrow continued, “(Sons of Pitches owner) Kathy Livernois is right that we shouldn’t go censoring team names. We set the bar pretty low when we let that Adrian dude (David) submit a team name straight out of Over-the-Line. Kathy should be able to name her team what she wants. No censoring next season, I promise.”

“It was great to meet (Detroit Tiger Blood owner) Joe Kelley,” Furrow said. “But he shouldn’t get too down about being in second in the Swish Chard division. There’s still a lot of baseball left.”

“(This Is Gonna Get Uggla owner) Sue Klinkhamer’s a real gem,” Furrow said. “She picks the crappiest rosters and she hasn’t won anything of substance in all the years she’s been in the league, but somehow she comes back for more every season. She has the best team names. And she even got Norm Mineta to sign a hard copy of the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce story, which takes guts.”

Meeting This League Really Blows owner Dan Klinkhamer was the biggest surprise, Rube said. “Dan’s not nearly the jerkweed (Vice President of Some Things) Pedreogos (Rios) always made him out to be. Sure he’s loud, bumps your arm too much when he talks to you and invades your personal space to make a point, but he’s a lot funnier than Rios made him out to be. I mean, I like the guy. But it’s still fun to be kicking his butt this season.”

Rube and his wife are flying back to Santa Lechuga, CA, this morning, satisfied that the Midwest will continue to provide good competition and good humor for seasons to come.

Dan Klinkhamer and Rube Furrow

The League Braintrust, Pedregoso Rios and Rube

Julie Pankoke, Dan, Aaron Pankoke, Sue Klinkhamer, Pedregoso,
Anna Pankoke, Rube and Kathy Livernois
Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Power Hitting Pitchers| Past Leaders
Pay Already!

Pure Cruelty

07/06/11 08:05 AM Filed in: GIF Fun| Just Cuz| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

This is just cruel.

Meet The Commish

07/05/11 08:04 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

The rumors are true. SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow is staking out possible locations for the SLPL Hall-of-Fame in the Midwest. While it seems obvious that the building should be located in the sleepy town of Santa Lechuga, CA, it appears that Rube's staggeringly inept performance as the town's mayor has created a bit of badwill with the citizens and they're looking for ways to banish him -- and anything associated with him -- from the community. That includes banishing all things Santa Lechuga Power League related. That's what brings him to our neck of the woods.

On Wednesday, he's making his way back to the Chicagoland from Cleveland and he's hoping to meet some of the Midwest-contingent of SLPL owners. If you’re in the Midwest, you’re invited to meet the commish at Old Towne Pub in Geneva starting around 7 pm. He has an early flight back to California Thursday morning, so he won't be able to accept more than a few tequila shooters you may offer him, but I know he's eager to put faces to names and to learn exactly why you chose to join his dopey little fantasy league. C'mon out if you can. We'd love to see you.

Happy Birthday, America!

07/04/11 08:34 AM Filed in: Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

The SLPL Blog hopes you have a very nice holiday!

And just because it’s become my tradition every July 4th, I offer you Galaxie 500’s video, 4th of July:

Galaxie 500 - 4th Of July by jesus_lizard

”I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit
“And your dog refused to look at it
“So I got drunk and looked at the Empire State Building
“It was no bigger than a nickel”

Sunday Morning WTF?! Yo, Catch. Tag The Runner Already!

07/03/11 10:33 AM Filed in: Sunday Morning Wiskey Tango Foxtrot| GIF Fun| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

When the ball arrives on time, catcher, you gotta actually tag the runner. That’s just the way the game is supposed to be played. Sheesh.

The $10 Trade Will Soon Go Bye-Bye

07/02/11 08:14 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

The 2011 All-Star Game is just around the corner, which means the $10 trade will soon go the way of the dinosaur. The last chance to make a $10 trade will be after the July 12th mid-season classic and just before the first pitch of the first game played on July 14th.

Incidentally, The Pot is already quite beefy for this time of the season. With $2,260 already in the coffers, the lowest possible payout to a champ this season will be $100. Sah wheat!

Rube Golfs & Drinks, Skips Cougars; Will See You Next Wed

07/01/11 07:57 AM Filed in: League Info| Joe Morgan Die!| by Pedregoso Rios

Still smarting from being rejected by his father the day before, Commissioner Rube Furrow’s tried to forget a lifetime of emotional pain by playing 72 holes of golf at Settler’s Hill In Geneva yesterday. And, as anyone who has played golf with Rube knows, a hole of golf means you have to drink at least one beer or one tequila shooter. Needless to say, the foursome was so blattoed by the end of the rounds that they had to skip the Kane County Cougars last night. The SLPL Blog is therefore pleased to announce that the official Midwest Reception for Rube will be held on Wednesday, July 6th, at Old Towne Pub in Geneva. Presents are discouraged but tequila shooters are welcome.

SLPL '11

The Best Damn Fantasy Baseball League in the World (Because We Said It Is!)